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The River Runners

This Side of the River

Flashbacks

I’m not gonna recycle all those old quotes. My own. The ones a year or more old. The ones from a shit dark rainy March and April. Smelled like clean sheets and black coffee at dawn and liquor and cigarettes after midnight. I’d buzz on the fumes of my own ego all fucking day. Give it to me. Full of myself in a twisted high that felt worse than no other. I don’t wanna draw up that sickness again. Cause I don’t give up control like that anymore. 

I used to say I didn’t have anything left to give. Lost and empty. Loaded. Going through the motions like a busted ass superhero. Goofy and failing but self assured. Up all night, glassy eyed and hysterical either on grief or attention. All that music stirring up toxic connections and dark turn ons to satisfy. Inviting pain and looking for distractions in everyone but me. It’s a New Day since then. God damn right it is.

I may walk softly these days but my feet are on the ground and my eyes are open. Humility and reality brought me back. So this is right where I’ll be. I’ve still got the world on my shoulders but this time around I’m making it look damn good. Comes down to it, I will always be the better man. I don’t even need to tell you why or this could get personal real quick. 

Out

Stepping back to me has always meant weakness. That you couldn’t handle something and you were bowing out. Conceding. Or powerless. Not sure. It seemed an excuse to be passive. ‘I have to take a step back’. Okay then. I guess go do whatever it is you do when you back off.

Maybe I’ve been lucky. I haven’t had to do it much. Back off. Or maybe I’ve just been fucking ignorant and never knew that’s what I should be doing. Or when it was or wasn’t the right time. 

There’s a big part of me that still believes if you’re always waiting for the right time, it’s never going to come. So…maybe I’m answering my own question. 

I also know I’ve been selectively oblivious in a lot of situations in my life. And it’s not just because I have faith things work out for the best. On their own. It’s because I didn’t know another way at the time. Because I felt helpless. So I made the decision to ignore what I couldn’t control. That’s the beauty and sick seduction of oblivion. It gives the false perception of strength and choice where neither exists. When you’re actually just scared shitless, confused or hurting. 

Whether it’s faith, fear or weakness, I can’t step up so I have to step out for now. 

sam

The Classy Lad & Funsies

Come Around

That’s how it goes. First look, timing will curse you. But it knows what it’s doing. More than I might. I’m not going to doubt it anymore. I have to trust in the way things play themselves out.

You can take as many steps as you find the courage to. But there’s so much that will still be beyond you. And anything you can touch. Or anything you can do. No matter who you think you are.

No matter who you ever thought you were. It’s completely irrelevant in matters of time and fate. Nurture what you can if it comes your way. Whatever the risk. It’s always worth it even after it’s left you. 

It’s no nonsensical mess I’m wading through. Everything had a purpose and will continue to. Time is gonna do what it do whether I step in or not. No matter who the hell I think I am. 

sdc

Right There

You know there’s those times. Those times when I’m agitated and need you. Out of my mind and beat down. Dark or dirty in that fucked up state of mind and only you can bring me down. Bring me down and fucking out of it.

Times when it’s gotta be all or nothing. All in and get it the fuck out. So show me. Show me that All or Nothing shit cause that’s what I need right now. It’s one of those times. Show it to me and I’ll let you know you did.

Quit this stress and the God damn worry. To hell with all this noise in my head tonight. I need you bringing what’s inside of me out. It’s one of those times. Give me that heavy pressure everywhere. That’s what I wanna feel with you. That’s the intensity. Enough to make me think I can’t handle more. Until I can’t handle more. Put me the hell over. That’s it. Let’s fucking take it there.

sam

Like…’The Office’, office?

I just had to Google NSFW to find out what it meant. 

Turns out, while one of the best movie soundtrack songs to date…it has been a LONG ass time since this accurately described me!!!

sdc
#thankyouinterweb
#moreplaidpls

No In Between

Keep me close. That’s all I want. It’s easy. What I knew about you drew me to you. What I didn’t know drew me closer. And that’s all I want. For that to stay. 

The newness will fade, I know. But there are things that won’t change. Heart doesn’t fade if it’s meant to be there. Tenderness doesn’t fade. 

Harsh words don’t come. Words that are reserved just for me. The ones meant only for me because I don’t fight back. That won’t change. Those words will not come.

There’s no such thing as a Beautiful Mess. It can’t be both. There’s no such thing as Perfect Chaos. It can’t be both. It’s either damaging or it’s lovely. One or the other. 

There’s no such thing as Perfectly Beautiful. That’s a Dreamworld. It’s temporary. Even when you aren’t there anymore, Heart and Tenderness will stay.

A Chaotic Mess is very real. The darkness of that hangs on. Until all the good is dead. And long after. I don’t ever want that again. Just keep me close. It’s easy.

sdc

I’m Off

With starry eyes and adrenaline high, I’ll ride my rainbow unicorn into this pasty gray fucking post-winter sunset. Now, where’s my Jet-Puffed and my God damn victory flag. 

sdc
#outmyway
#dontbrome

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